it's official...

my application was received by Women Make Movies.

NOT accepted, but received.

I got the application in just under the wire (which I'm sure is just SHOCKING for those of you who know me), so I wasn't going to make any assumptions until I got the confirmation email:

Dear Applicant—

We have received your application for Fiscal Sponsorship with Women Make Movies.

Due to staff and Review Committee participation in upcoming film festivals, our notification date has been pushed back by a couple of days: We will be sending notification letters via email by June 22. You will be notified either way by that date, via this email address you have provided us. Thank you in advance for your patience!

Thank you for your interest in Women Make Movies’ Production Assistance Program. We look forward to reviewing your proposal.

Best Regards,
Production Assistance Program Staff

So -- when I know, you'll know!

But honestly -- and I'm 95% sure I mean this...

I hope WMM grants me fiscal sponsorship. I do. BUT I will say that getting the proposal done and turned in was a big deal. Bipolar Girl, no longer just an idea, but words and ink on paper! MOST importantly, I stayed pretty calm throughout, got a decent amount of sleep, and didn't crash after. Did I mention I didn't crash after?

I have told dozens of people, "go ahead and apply, and if you don't get approved, they'll tell you what to fix and you can resubmit." I think I believe it. So, that's what I'll do.

And finally, thanks Mom&Dad. We did it!

having one's atoms rearranged is not always a pleasant thing

I've mentioned Dialectical Behavioral Therapy in previous posts; the once-weekly two hour group sessions and then an individual therapy session are making a huge difference in my life -- I can see the positive changes. It's all very solid and skills based -- practical skills to help sensitive people transform into sturdy sensitive people. I've held for many years that insights -- even brilliant, life-changing ones -- are only so helpful without a plan of action.

My last big moment o'truth came when my therapist and I were talking about how hard it is for me to hang on to positive emotions -- I finish something I'm proud of, or have a good day -- and then I come home and want to avoid how I'm feeling by eating something yucky or wandering around to WalMart (only if it's late and nothing else is open -- still, it feels gross).

So N (that's my therapist) gently suggests that one of the reasons I might be afraid of holding on to positive feelings is because in the past, I had trouble distinguishing between positive feelings and mania.

It was a huge moment. YES. This weird avoidance thing (I mean, why would anyone want to avoid feeling good) wasn't just about self-esteem, or the manic cycles that occur when I work my heart out getting something done (and don't get enough sleep) and then crash into a deep depression (boy, howdy, that's a lot of fun).

But the REALLY AMAZING part of the revelation was that I knew that I am learning the observational skills to discern:

oh, this is what happy feels like.
or,
oh, this is what mania feel like.

I can check in with my body -- happiness feels very flowy, and even excitement feels like it's coming inside and flowing outward. I feel very certain when I'm happy. I feel grateful.

Mania feels like it's coming at me -- and I breathe funny.

So I've got these mad skills to put my brilliant moments of self-reflection (and the trusted observations of those around me) to work.

I'm learning, slowly, to bear all kinds of emotions. I remember the first time I watched "sad" get born, then crest and fall. And I survived without distracting myself with some kind of not-so-helpful behavior.

Some people may be born with the ability to exist with their emotions quite naturally. I spent years fighting them, and with good reason -- sometimes, they were way scary, and out of control.

I'd like to say I'm gracefully accepting these good, positive changes in my life, but I am sometimes scared. Between Tuesday's therapy and Wednesday's group session, I'm a often a wreck by Wednesday night. And then there is this _life_ that I'm supposed to lead. Your life is the laboratory, N said to me last night, as I sat clutching my cell phone, weeping in my car in the WalMart parking lot (that's a whole 'nother story).

Basically, I feel these shifts happening at the atomic level in my being, but feel like I have to keep the outside looking pretty much the same -- all right folks, keep moving, nothing is going on over here!

Sometimes I just get tired.

Sometimes even the good changes are exhausting.

In this moment, however, I feel hopeful.

Bipolar Girl Rules the World and Other Stories

There is SO much I want to say, in returning to this blog.

But the most important thing...on Sunday, July 9, 2006, I wrote that "someday, I would make a documentary film with the name "Bipolar Girl Rules the World," but until then, it's my blog." Well, on May 15 I turned in my proposal to Women Make Movies, a fiscal sponsorship organization in New York, NY. So if they say "yes," I'm officially open for business (meaning, I can raise money for the film).

Anyways, I did it!

The goal is to have the film done by around this time in 2009.

Ok, so one step at a time. Right. One step at a time.

For now, enjoy a rough sketch of Bipolar Girl! Notice her levitating pink cowgirl boots! And look for more updates soon!

these are the cute shoes

The last shoe photo on my blog garnered many positive comments, so I can only imagine many of you are wondering, "what are those cute shoes Dawn referred to in her last post?"

Well, let me show and tell. My new favorite shoe brand is Seychelles. I've almost worn out my pointy toed red flats I bought this summer; here are my new khaki green wedgies.

progress?

Did you know...

"In 1986, EPILADY launched the first electric hair remover, pioneering the most significant revolution ever in the market of hair removal."

This is relevant, why?

Because as a sophomore in college, I remember ranting at Edwin, my boyfriend's roommate, because he had an ad for EPILADY hanging on his side of the dorm room: "You realize that picture on your wall is an ad that promotes the idea that women should tear their hair out at the roots! Can you imagine what that would feel like? Can you imaging doing that to yourself?"

I suspect he was interested in the blond-in-a-bathing suit in the ad, and not the actual hair removal product.

This was Dawn, feminist, circa 1989.

Dawn, feminist, circa 2007, believes that women who choose to wear uncomfortable shoes that make their legs look great are not mindless victims of the patriarchy (though she might save those shoes for special occasions without much walking involved, and is in fact, at this minute, wearing wedge heels that are both adorable and comfortable). She also believes that the way one chooses to dress can be an act of self and artistic expression, while also acknowledging that our cultural definitions of beauty are often unfortunately limited.

The main thing I want to say here is that last night, Dawn, feminist, circa 2007, ripped out (at the roots) her own stray eyebrow hairs with an at home waxing kit. This eyebrow experience was very painful, but I will probably do it again because in the few times I've had this done at a salon, they always take off more than I want. So imagine, it's kind of like pulling off a band-aid, but more painful. I was not capable of doing it quickly; maybe next time, I'll work up more courage.

So I acknowledge I may have been brainwashed as far as eyebrows are concerned. On the various makeover shows I deeply enjoy (I believe in the power of personal transformation -- though I DO NOT watch shows that involve plastic surgery), it's clear that the shape of one's eyebrows makes a big difference in one's appearance -- and this is true for both men and women.

The "Eyebrow King," Damone Roberts, believes "every person is beautiful in his or her own way, but does note that 90 percent of all women have the wrong brows for their facial structure. Damone says, 'It's the most underestimated important feature on the face.'"

I encourage you to read Damone's bio here. He really is called the "Eyebrow King," and "his work has been recognized in Vogue, In Style, USA Today, US Weekly, The Wall Street Journal, Cosmopolitan, Essence, Good Housekeeping, Allure, Newsweek and countless others."

The Wall Street Journal?

One last thought...though a 10X magnification mirror can be helpful when grooming, always remember that objects are in fact 10 TIMES LARGER than they appear. Check in with your regular old vanity mirror before taking any drastic measures.

discernment, passion, etc.

God is endlessly imaginative, and the function of discernment is to enter creatively into God's vision for the world and to collaborate with the Spirit in making that vision a reality. -- David Lonsdale, 20th century English Jesuit writer

This quote began my church newsletter for March, and I like it very much because I feel like it gets at the balance between God's will and the responsibility of an individual to participate in the act of creation -- creating relationships, art, peace, fill-in-your-desires here.

Another take on this idea is that when you are fulfilling God's vision for your life, you feel deep joy. I have experienced this feeling, and it has been true for me. Perhaps because I've spent a lot of my life caught up in other's expectations of me, this ringing true, full-body joy is incredibly important to me.

It's important for me to say joy, and not happiness, because I am often quite scared and fraught as I take these journeys. I wish it was easier. Actually, it's the showing up that is hard. The actual work tends to be quite wonderful.

getting a grip

B. and I have been talking about producing an animated documentary about bipolar disorder for about a year now.

Yesterday, we met and actually put ideas on paper!

I was gripped by anxiety for and aft. But I broke the process down step by step (get out of bed. take a shower. eat cereal, drink coffee. get dressed. get stuff together. get in car. get over the fact that you are an hour late. call B. and make sure it's ok that you are going to be late. etc.).

I think the anxiety and insomnia I've been dealing with lately has something to do with actually feeling fearsome feeling, rather than shoving them down. It is my sincere hope that ultimately, hanging out with the hard stuff (which includes both difficult and very pleasurable emotions) will lead to a more of an integrated Dawn, better to handle moods and strong emotions.

Shoving down, squelching, swallowing, however you want to put it -- leads to exhaustion, sadness, and difficulty taking in -- really getting on a gut level -- my accomplishments, contributions to the universe, etc.

SO...the main point of this post is, we did it! We took an important step forward. The anxiety, however sucky it was to experience, didn't stop me from showing up.

Wow!

gratitude

Last July, I wrote a blog entry called "Ugly Thoughts" (click on "Ugly Thoughts" to read it, if you want to).

It involved my time on a selection committee for the Hines Fellowship, and being kind of jealous of the four young women who were receiving the opportunity to travel internationally and domestically to do documentary work with organizations that focus on children.

We're in the selection process again, and I'm just grateful that I've apparently gotten my sense of possibility back into place. I'm unstuck, which is great. I'm not feeling jealous anymore, but inspired.

What do I want to do? It's a fun question, and I have lots of ideas...stay tuned!

What Actually Happened on Ash Wednesday

Through a perfect storm of work craziness, tiredness, and a state of anxiety due to hunger (writing those down, I see themes emerging as far as emotional vulnerability is concerned), I missed my DBT group session yesterday. DBT is short for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, a combination of group and individuals sessions that teach skills to help manage emotions, negotiate life in very practical ways, and basically, to thrive in the world as a sensitive person (or you could say, “a person who struggles with a mood disorder of one kind or another”). One of the therapists says that she wants us to become “sturdier.” The fact that I missed a session is kind of a big deal because you're "allowed" four absences in the fourteen month program – after that, you have to pay the $50 per session whether you show up or not. So I think it’s ironic that I missed the session by failing to use the skills I’m trying to practice in the group.

A little before 6 p.m. I managed pull myself into the present moment, and made the decision to miss the last 30 minutes of the DBT group in order arrive at the Ash Wednesday service on time. I arrived a few moments after 6 p.m., only to find that the service didn’t start until 7 p.m.

There’s a chapel at Calvary, small-ish, that I like quite a lot. There is an altar with lots of candles, so I lit one, closed the door, and set my phone to go off in thirty minutes. For the first time in a while, I was able to meditate.

Sitting on the floor of the chapel with my legs crossed, I focused on the candle flame. First I could feel my body gradually coming into itself. Legs connected to floor. I felt balanced, comfortable with my legs crossed, leaning back a little. I could feel the tension in my back, arms, and shoulders.

At the meditation retreat I attended over New Year’s, I cornered the (amazing, wonderful) instructor and asked, “Really, no, really. What does a peaceful mind look like? What am I trying to do?” She took my question seriously, and the most helpful thing she said was, “You may have to come back to your breathing 10 times, 100 times, a 100,000 times. The meditation is the spaces between the times you remember to come back.”

With her permission to fail/succeed a 100,000 times, I felt the freedom to explore meditation, and felt less frustrated, less wrong.

So the meditating in the Chapel was good. There were moments of stillness, quiet. There’s a great quote (source unknown) that goes: “If you’re busy, meditate. If you’re really busy, meditate more.”

I have less to say about the actual service, except that the scripture included one Psalm 51, one of my favorites:

Create in me a clean heart, O God;
and renew a right spirit within me.

Though it leads up to a dark time in the Christian calendar I like Lent. It’s popular to skip Christ-on-the-Cross and jump straight to the bunnies and baby chicks of Easter, but that doesn’t seem authentic to me. And my world gets muddy, frantic, so time to focus on the spirit, on God’s will for me in the world, is a good thing.

So with the grit of mortality on my forehead, I entered the next forty days (not counting Sundays).

Lenten Promises/Gifts

This year, my Lenten promise is no unnecessary purchases of things. Movies ok. Food ok. Clothing, accessories, books, music -- not ok. (This isn't a judgement against consumerism, it's just something that feels right for me to do right now. I'm having money anxiety, and I tend to shop as a way of avoiding feelings.) I understand Lent as a time to come closer to God, and the thing/thoughts/etc. that you "give up" are in the spirit of making more room for contemplation, quiet, etc. Not to give up things that are "bad" for you.

So this evening I'll go get ashes smudges on my forehead. Since I didn't grow up as a Christian, the meaning of such rituals (and this includes communion -- which is an intense and moving ceremony for me) don't necessarily make sense in an intellectual way (Not that I don't get the ashes to ashes thing). Sometimes, like this evening, I'll show up open to the experience, and see what happens.

I receive daily emails from "The Upper Room," with Bible passages and pithy reflections from various sources). Here's today's scripture reading...

Return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; rend your hearts, and not your clothing.
- Joel 2:12-13 (NRSV)

"Rend your hearts, but not your CLOTHING."

So smart. It's Lent and all, but why wreck a perfectly good outfit?