tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308009252024-02-20T16:28:18.876-05:00bipolar girl rules the worldWhen I dare to be powerful -- to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. ~Audre LordeDawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.comBlogger78125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-11509302537653390662010-01-03T17:00:00.002-05:002010-01-03T17:05:10.339-05:00Happy 2010!Hey y'all...<br /><br />I think this is going to be a really good year, and I say that in spite of the fact that I have been sick for the last two weeks with some kind of scary chest coughing kind of thing. I'm not scary-sick, just cruddy sick, but the cough scares people. Seriously, it's loud.<br /><br />The good news is that I got in my first MFA application on time (wahoo!) to UNC-Wilmington, which is tied first place with Rutgers-Camden as my first choice of programs. I've got another five or so applications due by February 1, so we'll see how it goes.<br /><br />I've got lots to share, so I'm going to try to post more regularly... (she says, again!)Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-18276702203591555062009-11-21T18:40:00.002-05:002009-11-21T18:45:54.273-05:00At the North Carolina Writers' Network Conference...I'm so inspired! I'm feeling affirmed as a writer, and believe that applying to MFA programs for next year is the way to go. I have SO MUCH to learn -- and I say that in a totally non-self deprecating way. Plus, two very critical ideas came to me while I was participating in the classes: a way to correctly structure a story I've been suffering overAND the opening to my MFA application letter (the answer to "why I want an MFA" and "why I want one from you -- rather, the U).<br /><br />The pieces in my life are coming together. I have structure, I have joy, calling, purpose...I'm more than "not depressed." More often than not, I'm feeling good. Still working out some kinks, but "more often than not" is still miraculous.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-49742587961035933072009-08-22T00:06:00.002-04:002009-08-22T00:10:54.719-04:00heading in the right directionSome combination of the meds finally kicking in, the kindness of friends, the ever-present love of family, a lot of prayer ... whatever it is, I'm feeling more like me.<div><br /></div><div>I just wanted to say that on my blog. I have a lot more to say about it all, but now I'm tired. My Wonder-dog of 17 years passed over today. It was about as beautiful as it could be. I'm flooded with gratefulness. </div><div><br /></div><div>She waited until the Effexor kicked in to go. No one can tell me different.</div>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-6949347750458564662009-08-10T19:42:00.002-04:002009-08-10T19:47:21.057-04:00still crazy...after all these months.<br /><br />I count as the beginning of this particular round of depression March 15, when I went to Pendle Hill and slept through too much of my precious time there, due to a medication change which led to all kinds of intense physical symptoms, which led into an rather intense depression which is still hovering around me like humidity in NC in August.<br /><br />I'm at the point where I think people become vulnerable to joining cults, or the military. I just want someone to tell me what to do to get better. New meds take time to work, and I think they are helping, but still...trying to accomplish anything can be excruciating.<br /><br />God, this has been a long haul.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-51805080544212814372009-05-24T12:54:00.002-04:002009-05-24T13:24:30.813-04:00churchI struggle to get to church most Sundays. Though 11 a.m. isn't exactly early morning, it's not my best time of day. But it's more than that -- I expend so much energy towards squelching frightening feelings of depression that it's frightening to think about opening up to God. My reactions to the flowing of the spirit are unpredictable, and what I strive for when I'm depressed is a kind of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">manageable</span> sameness.<br /><br />This sameness hurts to maintain. I'm tense and tight and afraid of each next moment. I may push myself from one thing to another, but mostly I'm wondering when I get to stop. Stop as in go to bed and end my day, but also just STOP. I struggle to imagine how I might continue like I am for much longer. It's not a suicide wish, but more of a, I wouldn't <span style="font-style: italic;">mind</span> if I could finally give up and not have to try so hard. I've been in this particular wave of depression/physical illness for over two months now. I'm running out of stamina.<br /><br />In today's sermon, Pastor Gayle preached about the fire of Methodism, and asked, repeatedly and effectively, if the fire had gone out. I understood the fire as passionate engagement with faith and with the world. I kept picturing my fire as smothering under damp clothes, gasping for air. I believe I am in a time of brokenness, and that in all times of brokenness, there is a possibility of radical rebirth. That's what I want from this time, not some weak return to the status quo, which wasn't all that great to begin with. In my current state of being, I have had no choice but to become very clear that my survival depends on reaching out to others and being willing to ask for help. I've also experienced a renewed commitment to my creative goals, and a very clear knowing that I have no choice but to write -- or create -- from exactly where I am (considering emotional states as a place) in the present moment.<br /><br />I've also received a renewed faith in the present moment, for two reasons. One, the present moment is all I can freaking manage. Thinking ahead to the next moment can be terrifying, and I inevitably predict failure. I've also begun to give myself a lot of credit for small things, like taking a shower, getting to a cafe to get some work done, calling a friend, or showing up to meet a friend for lunch. I tend to give myself credit for NOTHING, not even significantly larger accomplishments, so this marking of small things is good practice.<br /><br />All that said, I've had several harrowing days in a row, where transitions from one thing to the next have involved periods of crying in my car, unsure of what to do next, and afraid of slipping and falling into despair. I went to a church event yesterday (Saturday) and as I left, people kept saying, "see you tomorrow" and I kept thinking, what is tomorrow? And of course, tomorrow was church. Right. I knew that.<br /><br />So I really wanted to show up at church, and not just show up, but hang around afterwords and get and give a few hugs. This behavior is new, as I ususally slip in and out so as not to be noticed by the nice people who would actually show pleasure in my presence. And so I arrived twenty minutes late, just in time for the sermon, which I mentioned above. It was a communion Sunday, which always gets to me for some reason. And then our lay leader Sharon prayed for me as I kneeled at the altar.<br /><br />There was something about the way she prayed -- fiercely, with our hands clenched together -- that built on the words of the sermon and allowed them to seep beneath my skin. I remember her asking that the fire of God might shine within me and without and that I might share my light with others. But it was the experience of the prayer, even more than the words.<br /><br />I have been holding my breath for days. You know how people will tell you to take deep relaxing breaths and all that does is make you gasp a little bit harder? These soft, full breaths came of their own accord, and I received a glimpse of how I might feel if I stopped choking on the smoke of a smothered fire and instead, allowed in enough air for a sweet, small flame.<br /><br />I'm not up to any ravaging, cleansing flames right now; even a flickering candle is enough.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-61373654487686329232009-05-17T18:54:00.003-04:002009-05-17T21:59:04.782-04:00an excerptI'm writing from depression-space still...I have ok moments and terrifying moments; in this moment I'm ok.<br /><br />I'm doing some writing -- certainly capturing the 100% gen-u-ine depression experience. Hard to tell what is valuable at this point, whether I'm asking a reader to spend too much time in my head.<br /><br />Below is a small piece...where I just might find some meaning in what is happening to me...<br /><br />***<br /><br />...to move out of crisis mode, I have to tackle all fronts: new doctor, new meds. maybe a new diagnosis. But clearly, this depression is not just chemical; it’s structural. Structural in terms of needing structure in my life, but also structural in that depression is the frame much of my life hangs upon; it is a stable part of my identity, regardless of how much I hate is devastating effects. To recover from depression there is a certain amount of dismantling that I need to do – and it is in the deeply depressive state that I fall apart most completely. Ironically, this collapsed state offers hope that I might alter how I function in the world. I have something to learn from this place: fragile, permeable, and inescapably dependent on others. My myths of separateness and individuality fall away. I am staying with my parent’s for a few days, and the relief of not being alone is seismic. My mother and I go to Starbucks and we both work on our art – I write, she paints with her colored pencils. This is the creative support I need – two artists, generating focus and energy working together.<br /><br />So how to do I use this time to move towards health and wholeness, when I’m clearly in survival mode? In between free-falls, I can watch out for what feeds me and what sends me hurtling into negative space. I am deeply frightened by how I am feeling; there is no possibility of ambivalence towards my current state of existence. If I don’t make plans to meet with someone each day, the results are terrifying. I have no other option than to break my day into the smallest possible increments. I wake up and get out of bed by bargaining with myself: take a shower. After your shower, you don’t have to do anything else unless you feel like you can. Take your meds. Brush your teeth. Put your clothes on. Asking any more of myself is asking too much.<br /><br />I knew you were depressed, says my friend Chris, when you told me that your goal was to get up, take a shower, and get dressed before I came to pick you up for lunch. Usually that is not a goal so much as it is just what you do in the morning. This is true; but the minute nature of each step is also keeping me firmly grounded in the present moment, a discipline that most religious philosophies concur is an ideal state of being. It is when I imagine a future based on my current desperation, or look at the past through eyes glazed by depression, that my world becomes uncontrollable and I lose myself in despair.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-21085755037004992652009-05-04T15:53:00.002-04:002009-05-04T15:58:25.857-04:00depression just isn't all that exciting to write about...It's not wanting to get out of bed...<br />but staying in bed with my mind racing over various very stressful things, both real and imagined.<br /><br />It's about making plans and not being able to show up.<br /><br />It's about thinking for hours about taking my dog for a walk.<br /><br />It's about finding the prospect of feeding my dog (browning burgers on the stove) overwhelming.<br /><br />It involves not being able to figure out what to wear from a closet full of clothes.<br /><br />It is about resisting the couch.<br /><br />It is about reading the paper so long that the text begins to spin in front of my eyes. Reading so long to avoid having to decide the next thing to do, and to avoid the guilt about not showing up.<br /><br />I'm writing now to try and center myself, to ground myself in the real, because writing sometimes does that for me.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-38617369911992799002009-05-03T18:56:00.003-04:002009-05-03T19:27:44.647-04:00today didn't suck...as bad as yesterday...<div>and yesterday didn't suck as bad as the day before that.</div><div><br /></div><div>In depression world, this is progress.</div><div><br /></div><div>I get points for making it to church today. I get extra credit points for hanging about after church today long enough to get asked out to lunch -- and then I actually went. Normally I slip out the door FAST, and I almost always come in late. Some days I just can't handle people being nice to me, and at Calvary United Methodist Church, there are always people who want to give me a hug or smile and say hello (oh, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">jeeeez</span>). It's just too much to take. </div><div><br /></div><div>The extra credit points are for CONNECTING, which does help me get out of my head (which right now is not a very nice place to be). The depressive urge is to ISOLATE, which feels safer, but actually is not. And lunch was a lot of fun. Which was good, because I wake up with a lot of fear about what the day will be like. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Ok</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">yah</span>, I made it to church, but what will happen after that? When will the anxious ugly scary brain take over?</div><div><br /></div><div>In her sermon, Pastor Laurie took us through the loving kindness prayer today -- one version is to pray for health, happiness, wholeness, and something else (I know there were four) first for yourself; then for a person you feel neutral towards, then for an enemy, and then for the whole world.</div><div><br /></div><div>To be depressed is to be self-involved (in my opinion), but even so -- the worst enemy I could imagine was my own depressed brain. I'm so angry and scared by this depressed part of me that to pray for it felt dangerous. I'm not sure I would have tried it alone, but I was in community, so I gave it a go.</div><div><br /></div><div>There wasn't any miraculous healing (now that would have been a good story) but prayer doesn't necessarily lead to obviously miraculous results. I'm still figuring out who is this "I" that tries to fight/work with/outwit my depression -- who fights and fails, or struggles and has moments of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">ok</span>-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">ness</span>. At lunch I may have even felt good for a bit, which is no small thing.</div><div><br /></div><div>So after lunch, I walked my dog, and then went with my parents to see <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">The Soloist</span> -- the movie about the homeless <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">schizophrenic</span> brilliant musician befriended by a <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">LA Times</span> reporter. Great movie, if a little intense for me at this time. The connections between brilliance and mental illness are perhaps a bit overstated; where is the movie about the average musician with schizophrenia? You know he or she is out there.</div><div><br /></div><div>While I might not use the word brilliance (though my mother certainly would) it is difficult to separate out what of my creativity, drive, passion is connected to bipolar illness. I've written and thought a lot about this idea lately -- bipolar disorder as a part of me, something that cannot be cut out without losing something else about me, something of value? </div><div><br /></div><div>Time to watch the hockey game. Go Hurricanes!</div>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-51911924544390761252009-05-02T14:54:00.001-04:002009-05-02T16:22:33.843-04:00depressed girl has her sayIn this moment I am wearing the same shirt and t-shirt (1996 Atlanta Olympics) that I have worn since Thursday evening. It is Saturday at noon. Needless to say I have not showered. I didn’t really sleep on Thursday night, so that made Friday difficult. Finally could close my eyes yesterday around 5:30 p.m. Missed hockey play-off game and dinner with parents in spite of much phone encouragement from both.<br /><br />I just hit save on this document. I am writing instead of crawling back into bed. So hello depression here we are again. You are depressed, says my mother, who should know because she came over on Tuesday and Thursday to get me moving. Your father thinks it’s acute she says. He wants to come over and help you with your yard. For some reason this idea makes me weep. He wants to help. Why can you let me help you and not him? It’s not that. It’s just that I don’t want to be helped. I want to be 38 years old and able to keep my own yard under control. 38 years old and able to keep my kitchen floor clean.<br /><br />I have only just left the house long enough to put Kacey dog on the leash and take her out to pee. At 3:30 a.m. Thursday night/Friday morning, I took her for a little walk. I was up. I can’t really be seen like this, in this t-shirt and shorts, so 3:30 a.m. is good. The pavement outside my house is brand new, black and shiny. I walk in my bare feet. I walk around long enough for Kacey to do her business; I feel a sense of accomplishment. I am also feeding her. This is good. All I ate yesterday was oatmeal. Could I finally be one of those depressed people who lose weight when they are depressed? That would be so great.<br /><br />See, I can still make myself laugh. And then cry a little, too, but not huge desperate wailing sobs, so that’s good. I guess the good news is that I finally believe that I’m only going to write the book, this book, from exactly where I am in a particular moment: that bipolar girl depressed girl is going to be the one who writes it, not wellness girl, or miraculously healed girl or never depressed again girl or victorious girl or any version of totally together, keeping it together etc. etc. etc. No we are keeping it real here at Bipolar Girl central, and right now real kind of sucks.<br /><br />My mom meant it matter-of-factly, you are depressed. She never every meant it as an accusation, just ok, you’re depressed so now let’s fix it. Then I started crying so she felt bad. I feel like this massive failure, falling back into depression. Here I am with the great therapist and the weekly support group and access to medicine (though maybe not exactly the right medicines) and my parents paying my $540 a month for health insurance while I try to be an artist and find a sustainable way to live my life in alignment with what I feed called to do in the world. I got an email this morning from a woman who read my blog and felt like it helped her. In spite how I feel right now, I do believe that there is something I have to offer the world from this shitty, shitty set of experiences. So as cheesy as it sounds, thanks Teresa, you’re why I’m writing right now instead of hiding under the covers of my fabulously comfortable bed. I have the softest sheets in the world, and what my friend E. and I call the single girl’s bed – four pillows and a body pillow.<br /><br />What I struggle to write about is how depression, bipolar, the whole mental illness gig intersects with the rest of Dawn. So, my therapist said – and though I pay her, I believe she means this – that I posses “vitality, passion, and creativity.” Ok. I think so too. (Parenthetically, I just opened the shades to my office to let a little light in. I think this is a good sign.) So, how do I piece out the parts of me that are depressed? How do I differentiate my enthusiasms from mania? Is my depression chemical, a moral failing, or some combination of both? Is it a spiritual condition? Is it paradoxically because I’m moving closer to being in the world how I want to be, and so the old mechanisms are tearing back to visit, in a gasping stand against progress? And how the hell am I supposed to think about all of this, and what the hell am I supposed to do?<br /><br />A trip to the psychiatrist, and a physical, says my mom. She knows it’s not that simple, but it’s a concrete place to start. I put in a call to a new psychiatrist, and I’m waiting to hear back. My mom and my therapist (the ace treatment team) think it’s a good idea to try someone new. I can talk to anybody, and I find it hard to communicate with my current doctor. It may be time to change my meds. I hate thinking about changing my meds. I’ve been on basically the same for almost five years and I’ve basically been ok. Basically.<br /><br />I’m terrified at the prospect of making changes, because that’s what kind of started this wave of shittiness in the first place. We added Drug X to counter racing thoughts. Might be helping, can’t be hurting is what I said to my doctor. She yelped. Don’t let Drug X manufacturer hear you say that. Either stop taking it or try a higher dose. So I tried the higher dose, and the racing thoughts stopped. Mostly because I was asleep all the time. The drug knocked me out. And then I accidentally doubled my dose of Drug Y. Which went all toxic on my system. My body felt terrible. I couldn’t sleep. I slept too much. It was a relief to get back to just the generally crummy ache that I associate with being depressed.<br /><br />I have a new question. What does depression really look like? Is it the numbness and tiredness a means of protection? A safeguard against the howling fear, the deadly sense of inadequacy, the hopelessness that threatens to take over unless I move very very quietly. Which is it? The numbness or the howling? Would it end quicker if I howled more?<br /><br />My parents are coming over in an hour or so. I’m grateful and also kind of scared. Compassion is frightening, because if I let myself feel too deeply I might fall apart; encouragement brings up fear, because what if I can’t do something, anything; offers of help bring up self-contempt because I should be able to do it myself, to function as a normal. As yes. The hovering normal adult. The Dawn without bipolar. Without depression. She’s married to her college sweetheart and has two children. She’s not needy. She’s traveled to other countries and worked with NGOs on children’s literacy. She is not relying on her parents for money.<br /><br />But what does she do? Is normal Dawn the vibrant girl that the college sweetheart fell in love with in the first place? Is she – me – creative, an artist, a writer? If so, what would I be writing about? I kinda hoped I’d be writing this book with a little more distance between me and the subject matter. Between me and my life.<br /><br />Back into my life: I want my parents to stay away; I want them to be here. I want to be alone in my filth (it’s not really that bad); I want to try and shower and step out into the day. I am on this edge all of the time. Can you imagine how incredibly tiring it is, each micro movement being considered so closely? Each possibility weighted with – here, you’re fighting depression! Here, you’re giving in! Maybe tiredness emerges from depression as a protective mechanism. Asleep I don’t have to feel, consider, be. Depression as the anti-is-ness: is it a good idea to just be in the moment when in the moment I sometimes feel like I’m dying? Still, it’s better to be in the moment than to consider the next one, to get caught up in thinking this way of not-being is all there is and all there will be.<br /><br />Yet even in my current state of broken-down-ed-ness, I can see slivers of hope. I close my eyes and I see a showing of hands waving across a wide sea. And I’m writing, so I must believe in something. And I'm sharing my writing, so I must believe in something more.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-3360460178704141242009-04-25T08:23:00.002-04:002009-04-25T08:25:24.114-04:00anxietyI want to post every day but I didn't yesterday, but here is something I wrote yesterday, so I think that counts.<br /><br />Bipolar Episode 14<br />I am walking around the house wearing just a bra. I empty three quarters of the dishwasher. I obsess whether or not the recycling truck will pick up three weeks of my newspapers, milk cartons, and aluminum cans. Have I done something wrong? Are my cans and newspapers organized improperly? Maybe I should finish getting dressed. Maybe I should eat. I call a friend and talk for an hour. We’re both dealing with anxiety. Neither of us likes it. Is it chemical? Is it because I’m not Zen enough and need to meditate more? I’ve been trying to get outside and mow my lawn for two hours now. I’ll check my email. I’ll search the web for something that seems very important. I’ll move and dust the boxes under my bed so I can vacuum my bedroom. I’ll dust the shelves, but barely. Did the truck take my recycling? What will I do if they didn’t? It looks like my neighbor’s recycling is still there. I’m going to mow my lawn, so will I just move it to the driveway? And then what? For the last several weeks it’s been too much to get the recycling out there. Dragging it all to the curb feels like a moral victory. After talking to my friend I felt calmer. Not so much now.<br /><br />Racing thoughts. That’s what my therapist calls them. I took my pills. I had this one pill that really helped with the racing thoughts. It also made me dangerously, completely tired. I’d hit one in the afternoon and it was no longer safe for me to drive. When I try to slow down and focus I see these little spots of light in front of me. It’s true that I’m less anxious when I’m asleep, but that is not a good long-term strategy. I have this little pill, just .25, hardly anything at all, that helps, I think. But I resist taking it because I want to be able to fix this myself. I want to not be anxious. I want to be productive in a slightly less manic way. I want to be able to have some sense of what I have accomplished, which is hard to do because I’m working in an altered state.<br /><br />Ok, that’s it. I had to go outside and check if my neighbor’s recycling had been picked up. No, and not the next house over, either. I can hear the truck now, outside of my house. It’s beautiful out, a North Carolina spring day, sunny and not too warm. My yard is a disaster, so I think, ok, I’ll take it one step at a time. Mow the lawn first. Use the weed wacker. The other day I took my weed wacker to Home Depot because I followed the instructions to re-thread the unit and it got stuck. All I wanted was to buy a replacement piece – please, sell me something – but the guy was on a helpful kick and fixed it, but I know I won’t be able to do that again because his hands were really big, and mine are not. And nobody knew if these replacement pieces would fit my machine. And it was 3:55 when my mother called me and I was supposed to be at my therapy group at 4:30 p.m. and I needed to take a shower. Thank God she called and talked me down and out of the store, but REALLY, when someone wants to buy something, why would a salesperson block the transaction? Should I have to beg, please let me spend money in your store?<br /><br />Back to the yard. I plan to use a completely un-organic means to kill the weeds. I don’t have the energy to research other options. I already have to research whether or not the replacement piece at the Home Depot will fit my machine. At some point, I’ll borrow my grandmother’s thing-a-ma-gig to trim my bushes back from over the sidewalk. I’ve been trying to get outside to work in the yard for several hours now. Actually, several days, even weeks. I’ve had three men come to my door and offer to mow my lawn. One of them stopped by twice. This is a sign.<br /><br />It takes so much energy to hold myself together, I said to my friend, who is also anxious. What would happen if you didn’t hold yourself together? I don’t know, but I’m clearly not able to consider that question at this time because it’s frankly not possible to consider because I am working very very hard to keep moving and not stop moving because to stop means that I might stop for a really long time and not get anything done at all. I can go to sleep at 5 p.m. and not wake up until morning, and feel very guilty about my dog who is incontinent anyway, so I don’t feel as bad because then she just pees in the house, and only in the guest bathroom which is incredibly considerate, she’s always been that way, and now she is sixteen, it’s hard for her to keep food down, and she’s seriously slowing down, and it’s likely she’ll die soon and then I won’t have the sweet comfort of another being in the house, the sound of her breathing while she sleeps on her dog bed right next to my bed. Though I won’t miss cleaning up pee and vomit, I have to admit that is true.<br /><br />Is anxiety about repressed anger and emotions that cannot be expressed so they twist and turn and become this other thing? Am I just a bit manic? It feels like all I can do is to keep trying to get to the next thing. Dishwashing, emailing, washing clothes, sorting clothes, making lunch, getting dressed (eventually putting on the rest of my clothes), planning to bring up my summer clothes and putting away my winter clothes which makes sense because I can carry the plastic bins down the back stairs outside when I go down to mow the lawn.<br /><br />I had this whole month or so where I tried the new medicine, the one that put me to sleep, and I also screwed up and doubled my dose of another medicine, and I was shaky and my mouth tasted metallic and I couldn’t really function all that well. I feel like I lost a month or more, more even because then I had to catch up on all I didn’t do in a month, like pay bills or respond to emails, or mop my kitchen floor which is really pretty gross. And getting my sleep back on track – with the sleeping during the day I wasn’t so much sleeping at night – took even longer.<br /><br />If slamming my head against the wall would make this racing stop I would do it, but unfortunately, it only works for a minute. My body is vibrating, my skin itches, I’m wearing the loosest possible clothing because otherwise I might tear it all off and end up nekked.<br /><br />Did I mention I need to go to the mall to return those shirts my mother gave me that don’t fit? And mail back that bathing suit that doesn’t fit, which makes me sad because I’d really like to get it together and start swimming laps again. Getting it together enough to leave the house is a bit intimidating, though.<br /><br />I’ll try. Try to notice my feet in my pink Crocs pressing into the floor. Try to be aware of my body in space, of each movement. Try not to spin off into the anxiety vortex. Stay. In. This. Moment.<br /><br />Hungry. Smoothie and peanut butter on toast. Finish emptying the dishwasher and load the dishes on the counter. Leave the laundry alone. Mow the lawn.<br /><br />At least they picked up the recycling.<br /><br />Addendum:<br />And so this is what happened. I sat in the sun, present to the warmth on my skin, and I got terrifically sleepy. So I went to bed to take a nap around 2 p.m., skipped an evening outing, which it would have been really good for me to attend, lots of folks that I like and who like me. Then I slept until 10:30 p.m. and woke up and had cereal. It was hard to go back to sleep after that and so I dosed in an out all night. Got out of bed at 7:30 a.m., made eggs for me and my dog, and now I am bound and determined to do ONE THING AT A TIME: eat, vacuum, mow lawn. I feel pretty calm in this minute. We’ll see how it goes.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-59136068525629870002009-04-23T22:40:00.002-04:002009-04-23T23:23:53.806-04:00i'm a little taken aback...by how much my post from December 09 still applies. Lots of the same issues going on...<br /><br />I want to post a little each day on this blog, just as writing practice.<br /><br />Today has been a jangly day. I sent out an announcement about my new documentary project consulting business (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">yay</span>!); sent out a no to an opportunity to write a newspaper article (not thrilled about that, but at least I was accountable; paid most of my bills; completed a consulting project (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">yay</span>); and thought very hard about tackling the foot tall weeds in my yard.<br /><br />This description doesn't sound so bad, actually, but it leaves out the anxiety so intense that I can actually see little dots of light in front of me. My mom visited this morning and that was a tremendous help...<br /><br />Perhaps my most important accomplishment of the day was updating my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Netflix</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">queue</span> to reflect who I actually am (intelligent comedy, vampire series, and misanthrope doctors) vs. the films that have sat by my DVD player for a month (foreign drama and a very bad "This American Life" tv series). I was going to quit all together, but I'll give it another chance.<br /><br />I also took out my recycling, which was a major accomplishment as it had been a few weeks. It felt like a real moral victory, which should tell you something about how I've been lately.<br /><br />g'night.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-3729880117938931112008-12-17T12:58:00.004-05:002008-12-17T13:42:22.253-05:00sitting down to writeI'm embarking on this journey as a working artist - which means, to me, that I'm stating through word and action that my writing and my documentary filmaking are my real work. The job that does-not-quite-support me is simply income. Even my cocktail conversation -- my answer to the what do you do question -- has changed. I'm working on a book, and a documentary film. And I do this internet/print marketing gig for money.<br /><br />At a party, I mostly leave out the fact that the woman I work for refers to me as a "personal assistant." I don't actually mind being called a personal assistant. I'm getting paid a decent amount of money, and part of my learning around this job is that I don't get emotionally invested in what I do, or the people I work for. That doesn't mean I don't care -- I do. But craziness exists in EVERY workplace, and this is practice for me to keep my head and my heart out of it. When my income producing job was also the work-of-my-heart (as in my time at the Center for Documentary Studies) I got completely wacked out on office politics. Any reasonable person would have, to be sure, but I chose to let it crash over me like a North Shore wave.<br /><br />In certain circumstances, I'm just fine if folks don't ask me "what are the book/documentary about?" I can live without going into the details of bipolar disorder with an almost stranger when I have a plate of sausage ball in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. On the other hand, even at my parents' holiday open house, I found myself in more than one deep conversation about depression, mental illness, and struggle -- while standing next to the fridge, or on the couch. By then, I'd switched to Diet Pepsi.<br /><br />I hope my penchant for intense dialogue won't stop you from inviting me to your party. I'm a lot of fun, and I looked really pretty in my sparkly holiday garb. Lots of people said so -- not just my parents.<br /><br />Ok. Not unlike what happens when I sit down to write, now I'm going to get to the idea that got me writing this afternoon.<br /><br />I am in transition. With this whole trying to be a working artist, there are so many steps. First was finding a part-time job that didn't suck out my soul. Done. Actually, first was to decide I wasn't going to jump back into a full-time job; instead, I am working to keep focused on my identity as a "community based, mixed media, conceptual artist/activist" that was so nurtured at Pendle Hill. I am going to remain spiritually grounded (that's only going ok).<br /><br />I'm getting screwed up with verb tenses, here. I will, I have, I am. None of it is working. I have a whole 'nother post -- actually, I have a chapter, gosh forbid -- that I want to write about the dangers of not only negative predictions, but of the potential tyranny of positive ones.<br /><br />Here's what I wanted to say when I first started writing. That in order to write, I can't just say, ok, there it is, on your calendar: "Write, from 8 p.m. to 10 p.m., Wednesday." No, it starts back with getting to sleep at a reasonable hour on Tuesday night. And getting to work on time. And maybe exercising. It's a whole life I'm trying to construct -- a life I want to be present in.<br /><br />I'm tempted at the cellular level to write from 10 p.m. until 3 a.m. I'd get a lot done. But the next day, I'd be sick with emotion, not to mention how my body would feel. If I fell into a pattern like of late night/early morning and then sleeping much of the day, not only would I lose my job, but I would also be dangling bloody meat before the ravanging wolf of bipolar disorder. Here, kitty kitty kitty.<br /><br />I'm having to learn a whole 'nother way of being a creative person, one that does not involve painful sprints and abrupt, muscle tearing, screeching halts.<br /><br />I don't feel sweet about having to learn a new way of being. It's not entirely new -- when I worked in clay at Pendle Hill, I created and presented art without the sprint. Not without angst, but without the crazy. I was, however, living in community. I was being fed three meals a day. I was hanging close to God, and I had the best teammate EVER in launching the exhibition. I wasn't so dang alone.<br /><br />The alone, well, I need to work on that. While to say that my Mom totally rocks is an understatement, I looked at my social calendar this week, and it was like, "Mom" three times. That was it. Now, that's my own fault. I now have two additional engagements, neither with family members. But I just haven't reached out to the amazing community here in Durham the way I need to. I have friends, I just need to take the initiative and get out there...<br /><br />In summation: my first job isn't being an artist. My first job is being present, being well, having a LIFE. I'd like to skip that part and get right to being a writer and a documentary filmmaker. Frustratingly, that won't happen, not for any sustainable period of time.<br /><br />I feel so jangly, in pieces all over the place. But in this moment I'm writing. And in this moment. And in this one...Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-87866236462639314592008-12-06T12:43:00.002-05:002008-12-06T12:59:01.403-05:00this morning, I writeLast night at 4:30 a.m., I woke up with words ready to be put down on paper. I thought about getting up, and then thought harder about falling back to sleep. I'm serious about working on my <span style="font-style: italic;">Bipolar Girl Rules the World</span> memoir -- a real honest to goodness book -- and the feeling of that early (too early) morning desire stayed with me until after I had eaten my oatmeal, drank my coffee, and put aside the <span style="font-style: italic;">New York Times</span> Sunday Styles section.<br /><br />So I've written for at least a couple of hours on what I imagine to be the Introduction -- I know that I've written long enough to get hungry again, and to do three loads of laundry. I was pretty grossed out by what I was writing when I started, so it was a moral victory to continue onward. I'm going to take the radical step of stopping now, and giving myself some credit for getting work done. I even have a calendar I use to mark out the work I do on my own creative projects, to show progress, and to present evidence when my emotions lean toward catastrophe (you never, you won't, you can't, how dare you believe).<br /><br />I think I'll post essays as I go along, and I would obviously LOVE any response to my writing. Right now, I'm working on three sample chapters to submit to agents. At the North Carolina Writers Network fall conference, I took a step past the slush pile with two NYC agents, and was asked to submit a proposal for the <span style="font-style: italic;">BPG</span> book. So I guess I better write the darn thing. But I'm building up good support team -- an editor to read the chapters when I'm ready, a possible writing group, and an ex-Random House editor to vet the whole proposal when I'm ready. None of this (except the writing group) is free, but it feels like the right people are lining up to help get'er done.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-29301750665538720312008-11-06T10:26:00.004-05:002008-11-06T22:19:04.066-05:00this is what normal feels like...Abandoning the idea of "what is normal?" for a moment (we can define it, possibly, as the land of "not depressed"), I'm finding myself thinking the following on a fairly regular basis:<br /><br />"So, this is what a cold feels like, you know, to normal people" (just a cold, not an indicator of moral failings or a harbinger of doom because I have to stay in bed more than I'd like).<br /><br />"So, normal people sometimes don't keep their kitchen clean when they have a cold because it takes all of their energy to get done what absolutely needs to get done" (not, I am committing a deadly sin of sloth, and therefore, the rest of my life will fall apart and I'll be drooling on the floor before you know it).<br /><br />Just for example.<br /><br />I think <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">catastrophizing</span> is a pretty common technique for us bipolar girls. It's a learning process to know that sometimes, a cold is just a bad cold (and miserable, but not, you know, all defining of my character and such).Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-17943105794440399272008-11-06T09:45:00.004-05:002008-11-06T10:16:37.503-05:00how much longer can I say I'm in transition?hello, y'all...<br /><br />This is a letter I sent to my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Pendle</span> Hill friends (edited a bit for this blog)...posting here to give you a sense of what the summer was like...<br /><br />I wrote this in August, after months of isolating myself (somewhat painfully) for a couple of months upon my return home...<br /><br />In the letter, I refer to a possible job at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Pendle</span> Hill -- I did get offered a job with the hospitality team, but it wasn't possible to make <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">accommodations</span> for the Kacey dog, so it didn't work out. Which worked out fine, because being home has been really good (ultimately!).<br /><br />You can see many of the images I'm talking about <a href="http://web.mac.com/dkdreyer/">here...</a><br />*****<br /><br />I have moved my computer and printer to the kitchen table in my lovely house – the kitchen gets lots and lots of light, and besides, my office <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">hasn</span>’t quite recovered from my move back from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Pendle</span> Hill earlier this summer. I have my screen-saver set to pull photos from the couple of thousand I took while I was a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Pendle</span> Hill, and so I’m caught by images and memories as I walk by on my way to fill the dishwasher or do laundry. And I literally am caught – my breath jumps and I remember the crucifix and belly cookies, or Julia and Mary Elizabeth quilting and knitting (respectively) at the Academy Awards party…or, or, and…<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Ok</span>, and honestly? I look at some of the photographs and say, wow, those are really good. I took my computer to my therapist’s office last week and showed her some new work I’d done, of driftwood and oyster beds off of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Bogue</span> Sound. I cried as I forced out, “these are really good, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">aren</span>’t they?” I’m not getting out of this one: I want, need, and would be doing the Spirit a disservice if I don’t keep up my creative work. Besides, I want to live up to my title of “spiritually grounded, community based, mixed media artist/activist.”<br /><br />SPEAKING OF WHICH: I turned in a GRANT PROPOSAL for Bipolar Girl Rules the World and Other Stories!!!! Just yesterday!!! Obviously, I hope I get the money ($5000 to put towards an animation sample) but most importantly, I feel like I announced to the universe, “<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">ok</span>, I’m really serious about this project!”<br /><br />I was surprised to learn that my fall would not include a return to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Pendle</span> Hill as a member of the staff; it <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">wasn</span>’t the right time for me and my dog Kacey (who is nosing my leg as I write this) to head back north. I feel some sadness, of course, but also, some clarity about building in the supports and structures I knew I would find at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Pendle</span> Hill and creating them in my life here in Durham. What surprised me about not coming to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Pendle</span> Hill this fall (where I imagined taking a job that would allow me to follow my creative callings) was an awareness of the strength of my call to be a conduit of radical hospitality. So I’m trying to figure out where hospitality fits – a deep desire to offer the grace of God to others, in down-to-earth and practical ways – in figuring out my next steps.<br /><br />Although I have spent a great deal of time this summer with my extended family, I am quite isolated in my day-to-day life. I am lonely; that I haven’t been in a place to connect with my Durham folks. I’d say I’m about 60% positive and hopeful to 40% numb and despondent. That’s not a bad percentage. (And in this moment, I’m fine!). I feel like I’m struggling with real stuff, not made up phantoms. So I’m doing some of the work to reach outward, and make commitments to see people again.<br /><br />In some ways my life looks very much like <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">pre</span>-PH, but it is different. I’m struggling, but with a level of self-acceptance that is new to me. I’m seeking a way that my next steps – creatively and otherwise – can bubble up out of me, rather than being beaten out of me through self-judgment and despair. A friend succinctly summed up what I think was one of my most important <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Pendle</span> Hill <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">learnings</span>: I want to live my life out of love and not out of hating myself – creating a life out of a desire for self-expression and overflowing spirit, NOT out of a sense of inadequacy or “not enough.”<br /><br />That said, I absolutely MUST find a writing teacher, and some photo/film comrades as well. I’m planning on turning one of my basement rooms (a garage, really) into an art studio, where I can paint on the walls. I also want to paint my kitchen. Some of the being alone time has been nesting. And letting go of stuff. I have at least ten large garbage bags of stuff I’m taking over to Goodwill. It is SO the right time to empty my life of things that weigh me down, make my life more complicated. It feels really good.<br /><br />I think I put off some of my mourning for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">Pendle</span> Hill in early June because I though I would be coming back. Of course, each of you <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">wouldn</span>’t have been there, so I much have been fooling myself. ☺ I miss you, truly – my heart aches for y’all. I have loved reading your missives – please keep writing! And sign-up for the work weekend in the spring, like Mary said. I’m going to, and I am totally and completely broke right now. I’m living off of a minute settlement from a car accident almost two years ago! The timing of the check was just right, though…I’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">ve</span> forgotten the pain and suffering, and now I’m just grateful for the cash!Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-52982397603215534272008-03-01T13:37:00.002-05:002008-03-01T13:54:34.196-05:00this morning...I cast the belly of M. in plaster. She is 87 years old. The experience was a holy one -- rubbing the Vaseline on her belly, pouring the plaster in her belly-button, and then laying down the plaster strips and burlap, all the while marveling at M.'s trust, and how open she is to new experiences.<br /><br />M.'s presence has been an enormous gift to me this term. She reminds me of my father's mother, the grandmother I call Nana.<br /><br />This morning, M made a comment about how hardworking I am, and I was caught surprised -- surprised but pleased, because a comment about hard work from someone who is 87 years old is no small thing.<br /><br />So I thought, is that true? Do I work hard? Anne <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Lamott</span> said that we often lose the ability to see our lives clearly, that it is sort of a security measure for when it just isn't safe too see things the way they are -- because we are too vulnerable (as with children) or just don't have the capacity or skills to deal.<br /><br />So part of me says, yes you are a hard worker, of course you are. And part of me says, really? Do you thinks so? And another part says, we'll, there is one way to find out. You could, you know, observe, track, pay attention.<br /><br />I want to learn how to live with out this breathless feeling of lack. Those <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">lillies</span> of the field, they neither toil nor spin, yet God loves them. Mary sits at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Jesus'</span> feet while Martha runs around getting everyone cups of tea -- Jesus tells Martha to chill out and do what her sister is doing (I always thought that Martha was just doing the best she could)...<br /><br />So is the question, "Am I a hard worker" not even all that <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">relevant</span>? Is it a different question, "Am I serving God with all my heart, or as much of my heart as I can?"<br /><br />I mean, who gages hard? Do I want to ever work 60 hour weeks in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">dysfunctional</span> environments ever, ever again? No! I want to fight against the dizzy tide of fast and faster still. I want to keep God at the center, my center. I can't serve if I'm ragged and distant.<br /><br />If I'm having fun, does it count as work? If I'm not worn out and exhausted, am I working enough? If I keep my priorities in order -- God, community, creativity, service -- and live of those commitments and I feel healthy and satisfied...if I decided to live without the guilt of never enough...what would happen then?<br /><br />Well, what would happen?Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-52589601445269733362008-02-29T22:22:00.002-05:002008-02-29T22:42:54.791-05:00i am annoyedToday I was compelled to stand up in meeting for worship and say:<br /><br />I am annoyed at God.<br />I have been studying the Psalms and I know from this work that God is open and available to the full spectrum of human emotion.<br />And churches don't often share the angry psalms, the verses that say, where the heck are you, God.<br />And I am annoyed at God.<br />On Friday, I was joyous and content. I felt close to God, sheltered, covered.<br />I couldn't stay with those feelings.<br />Now anxiety hovers so close to the surface.<br />I am afraid that I will fall back into depression.<br />I will not -- I cannot go back there.<br />What I want from God is a guarantee that I will not be depressed ever again.<br />God will not give me a guarantee.<br />In the past when I have stood up in meeting it has been to express gratitude.<br />I have meant it every time.<br />And I guess I am grateful for yet another opportunity for growth, to learn again what it means to be part of a loving community, what happens when I ask for help instead of hiding.<br />I used to think it was up to me, whether I let God into my life...or not.<br />That I could control this process somehow. Like God wasn't going to do what God wants to do.<br /><br />And then I ended with something about Grace. This transcript is only an approximation. I wish I could remember it more clearly.<br /><br />What I know is that I shook before I spoke, and that my chest was tight, and I was short of breath. What I know is that after I spoke, I could breathe, and I felt lighter.<br /><br />Throughout the day, different folks came up and thanked me for my message. That was great, but what I couldn't get over was how different my chest felt after I spoke. And when folks came up to me immediately after the meeting, with loving concern, I was like, no -- really -- I feel <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ok</span>.<br /><br />Now the great ending to this story would involve throwing out my anxiety <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">meds</span>, or something like that. The truth is, there is still a lot of anxiety hovering below the surface. It doesn't take much for me to feel my breath shortening or to feel shaky and disoriented. But rather than getting caught up in "this will never go away," I'm trying to adapt. Get sleep. Eat healthy. And allow more time than I usually need in order to get things done, because I can't afford to rush--I feel too bad.<br /><br />And I'm also trying to see anxiety as a time of being particularly <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">attuned</span> to what is going on around me. God knows (you do know, don't you?) that I don't want to live like this, but I can gather some interesting information...<br /><br />Saw Anne Lamott this evening at the Free Library in Philadelphia. She was hilarious, wise, compassionate, kind. And hilarious. She said some things that were hard for me to hear because they were so true. About relationships, and saying no, and boundaries when caring for others, and how we are drawn away from our birthright as children of God by being consumed by a fear of being judged by our outsides. I'm so not getting this right, what she said was amazing and I really hope the talk will be on-line some where so I can listen to it again soon.<br /><br />g'night.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-61731640211582875902008-02-28T14:07:00.002-05:002008-02-28T14:12:27.038-05:00power barsOne of my post-Pendle Hill challenges will be eating right. Here in the Main House kitchen, I get to eat salads at lunch every day that would cost at least $6 at the Whole Foods salad bar. For the whole lunch I eat (soup, salad, home-made bread and tasty leftovers) I would easily be paying $12. It's HARD to eat well as a single person...I've torn the lettuce and cut the carrots for 65 people, and it's not as tough as trying to keep a bag of greens from composting before you get a chance to eat them all.<br /><br />So I missed (the fabulous Pendle Hill) lunch today, and dug out a Balance Bar Gold (caramel nut) to sustain me until I could grab a bite to eat.<br /><br />Ok, that thing was disgusting. I used to eat them all the time.<br /><br />Were they always gross? Have I just gotten used to eating real food?<br /><br />What will I do?Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-14214468841933655992008-02-28T13:47:00.002-05:002008-02-28T14:04:00.457-05:00a few PPH (post Pendle Hill) thoughts not ringed by terror<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Ok</span>, so I had my first productive <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">PPH</span> thoughts this morning:<br /><br />1) I will pay attention to leanings, and understand that exploring an option does not mean a commitment.<br /><br />2) For the sake of my whole being, I must continue to make it a first priority that I live a God-centered life. (I'm not saying I always keep this priority now, even in the sacred space of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Pendle</span> Hill. But I see the difference in my life as a result, and it simply does not make any sense to do otherwise.)<br /><br />3) I am willing to be underemployed in order to give my art, spirit, and emotional life room to develop and grow. Especially if the work is life-and-spirit filled for me. Note to Mom & Dad: I am NOT selling myself short or saying that I don't deserve to receive fair renumeration for the work that I do. Really. I'm just opening up some space in a time of transition.<br /><br />4) I don't want to jump immediately into some huge job that will take all my attention and energy. I want to practice living/working outside of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Pendle</span> Hill without <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">sabotaging</span> myself.<br /><br />5) I want to earn enough money to support myself, and I am willing to live on a budget (and stop buying stuff) in order to allow room for the spirit to work in my life.<br /><br />6) I am also willing to throw all of the above out of the window, because, to love God means knowing that you just don't know what the heck will happens next. I may be the executive director at a major non-profit organization with a 25 million dollar endowment starting July 1. Who knows?Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-61320697121415518732008-02-24T08:48:00.003-05:002008-02-24T08:59:45.266-05:00I've decided to try and post every day...We'll see how it goes. I want to get back to basics, just putting down a few thoughts and not getting too caught up in how good the writing is, or isn't. I wrote a few longer pieces that I got kind of bored with, and never posted.<br /><br />So today, at 8:50 a.m. here is my thought for the day:<br /><br />In response to a particular dilema I faced (in the realm of the heart), my friend L. said:<br /><br />"Move forward with discernment and courage."<br /><br />A terrific idea in most any circumstance.<br /><br />I'm off to meeting for worship, and then to the last session of my Centering Prayer class -- which has been totally amazing. Then out to buy red fabric to create a red carpet for the Pendle Hill Oscar bash this evening...Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-86330865915316469362008-02-12T17:38:00.003-05:002008-02-28T14:05:37.244-05:00Feelings...nothing more than feelingsI've been sick over the last three days, and as my friend E. confirmed, "I don't do sick well." It's kind of a long story, but my experience of my bad cold (it's a really bad cold) also involves feelings of guilt, resistance to the care of others, and fears that I'm really not that sick, and I'm just a wimp for, you know, acting sick.<br /><br />Whatever. It's just another <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">FGO</span> (f^&*<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ing</span> growth opportunity), as we say here at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Pendle</span> Hill. And I've been doing an <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">ok</span> job taking care of myself (I watched four episodes of "Ugly Betty" on the web yesterday) and I've been gratefully accepting soup and refills of my big glass of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">oj</span>/water/ice from the kitchen across the quad.<br /><br />Sara said she was praying for me to get better. What do you do with that? And all the "hope you feel betters" and "is there anything I can do to helps" You mean they love me, they really love me? For goodness sakes. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Hmm</span>, then where is all this judgment coming from? Could it be...<span style="font-style: italic;">moi</span>?<br /><br />Anyways, me "not doing sick all that well" also has something to do with how physical illness (at least of the snotty, voice-losing, nose blowing kind) is more obvious than sickness of the brain, meaning depression, bipolar, etc. This is in no way to say that one is harder than the other, or that there isn't also lots of cultural baggage around physical illness. But for most people, a cold or serious menstrual cramps are easier to relate to than depression -- especially since many people equate depression with having a bad day. It is a bad day, a very very bad day. But not quite the same.<br /><br />I got away from the original reason I started writing this post -- I hope you're still with me. One of the gifts (it's a gift, it's a gift, no really, it's a gift) of my time at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Pendle</span> Hill is the time to more fully experience feelings that kind of got shoved down <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">PPH</span> (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">pre</span>-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Pendle</span> Hill), due to lack of time, or courage, or the possessing the skill set to survive the said experience. It's hard work.<br /><br />One of my cues that hard stuff is coming up is that I start to hear -- feel -- "I'm dying. I'm actually dying. Wow. This is what dying feels like." The "dying" feeling comes when my being becomes aware ("realizes" is too much of a head thing -- this is a full body experience) that a very big part of my identity is about to let go. Some deeply held belief about myself is about to rise up above the surface, crack, and float away (I'm working with an iceberg visual).<br /><br />The first time this happened I was in a class on non-violent communication (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">NVC</span>). There was a lot of talk about self-compassion, and part of me was listening and participating, and part of me was going, "I'm dying. Wow, this is what dying feels like. I'm dying. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Hmm</span>. Dying." During a break, I spoke with my friend E, who conveniently, is also a Shaman. I looked straight at her and said, "I think I might be dying. You're sitting behind me (sort of next to me) and I need to know that if any Chinese stars come through the window, you've got my back."<br /><br />Without asking for any further explanation, she said, "No problem. I'll stay next to you."<br /><br />This is why I love <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Pendle</span> Hill.<br /><br />I've gotten the dying feeling a few times since then, and I know now that it signifies a painful transition, a letting go, and ultimately, a new space is created for something new to emerge. I can't help think of the "Alien" monster bursting out of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Sigourney</span> Weaver's belly -- nothing about this process feels pretty. Necessary, yes. I'm grateful, yes. Anyway (and I'm not complaining), it's hard work.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-243586655422466242008-02-10T19:43:00.000-05:002008-02-10T19:51:53.612-05:00Pendle Hill Update...To my friends in the blog-o-sphere...It's just over half-way through my time at Pendle Hill, and I'm posting an update I sent out to some folks via email. I'm hoping to post more often on my blog these days -- a task made easier by finally having internet access on my hall. I've got to be careful though -- it's too easy to get lose time on the web...<br /><br />Enjoy, and see you soon!<br />d<br /><br />Dear Friends,<br /><br />I’ve been wanting to write and say hello to you all for quite a while now; what I’ve been experiencing is that when going through an intense, challenging, and ultimately wonderful experience, it’s sometimes hard to gain enough distance to create a semi-cohesive narrative. So here I am, in term two, ready to report back to the base-station – the amazing community of folks who lovingly sent me off on my adventure at <a href="http://www.pendlehill.org">Pendle Hill</a>.<br /><br />I want to say THANK-YOU to each of you who took the time to send me your great good wishes upon my leaving <a href="http://cds.aas.duke.edu">CDS</a>. Though my time at Pendle Hill has definitely affirmed that I made the right decision to move on to a new opportunity, the emails that were sent in response to my announcement made a HUGE difference as I took the leap into the unknown.<br /><br />Now that my second term at Pendle Hill has settled into a routine, I’m excited to report that I could not have imagined the transformation(s) I would experience in such a relatively short period of time. I think part of it was that I was ready to jump in – though I’ve experienced some serious resistance to change (the worst patterns are both unbearable and somehow comfortable), the amazing thing is that I have the time and support to observe of what is happening – of patterns of thinking and behavior, of reactions to people and circumstances. I can’t even begin to tell you what a gift it is to have time to be mindful and then to process my observations.<br /><br />Other resident students at Pendle Hill include a Methodist minister; a Unitarian minister; a former development officer (who raised 8 million dollars for her last project with the Philadelphia parks system); a 20-year old from Kenya, a shaman/healer/Quaker; an environmentalist with the email address “theearthquaker@hotmail.com;” a youth advocate from Rwanda; and a Southern Belle who attempts to mother us all and teaches sacred chanting and dancing…it’s a pretty amazing group of people.<br /><br />Another thing about living in community is that if someone drives you nuts, there’s no escaping him or her. So there is ample opportunity to explore the idea that what you find most frustrating in others is also what you need to work on in yourself (or at least take the time to understand why a particular behavior makes you so nutty). But for the most part, I deeply value the experience of being in community. It helps a lot with my tendency to isolate when I’m having a rough time – if I want to eat, I can only spend so much time in my dorm room without having to walk over to the dining hall. And I feel safe here, with many folks who are in similar spaces with regard to life transitions and emotional and spiritual growth.<br /><br />At Pendle Hill, we have the Quaker meeting for worship every morning, meeting for business, and in the fall, our class of students collectively coined the term “meeting for napping.” There is something about deep change that is just exhausting, a kind of spiritual narcolepsy. When I first arrived, it was my goal to find a favorite place on campus where I could go and write. A few weeks into term, I realized I had three favorite napping placing, but still hadn’t picked out the right place to sit down with my computer and write. (FYI, my favorite place to write is in the art studio – generally, my favorite place to be for everything.)<br /><br />I took two courses in the fall term. “Grounded in the Spirit, Acting in the World,” explored the connections between spirituality and social justice. I’m looking forward to working further with Niyonu Spann, the course instructor and former dean of Pendle Hill. Her approach to diversity work is exciting. Niyonu invited me to participate in her “Beyond Diversity 101” course this spring, and to work towards being a part of the team of trainers who deliver the program. (<a href="http://www.fgcquaker.org/fgconnections/beyond-diversity-101-toward-living-true-community">Here</a> is an essay by Niyonu that explores her philosophy.)<br /><br />My second course last term was called “Spirit Taking Form: Clay and Stone as Spiritual Grounding.” Let me be clear: I love working in clay. It’s muddy and messy. It’s extremely tactile. And until you fire it, it’s completely recyclable. As a way of shifting back into a creative life, it is the perfect medium – and because I’d never really experimented with clay before, my self-judgment quotient was exceptionally low.<br /><br />What has emerged from several aspects of my Pendle Hill experience is a collection of work I’m calling “<a href="http://web.mac.com/dkdreyer/iWeb/Site/PH%20Fall%202007%20Art%20Exhibit.html">The Belly Project.</a>” The short explanation of the project is that I’m making plaster casts of bellys (including my own) and then using the casts to make clay sculptures. The glazing/designs of the final products are determined in collaboration with the belly owner. I’m also interviewing folks about their bellys – I’ve found that bellys are a topic lots of people want to talk about. <br /><br />I’m INCREDIBLY excited to report that my “belly” work will be on display in the main gallery of Pendle Hill from mid-April to July. It’s great to have a space and deadline for the project, and it feels good to me to further ground my identity as a “community-based, mixed media, conceptual artist” (my working title!).<br /><br />So – this term I’m taking courses on the Psalms, one on different forms of prayer, and one called “In the Beginning Was the Word: Looking Again at Religious Language; Seeking a Powerful Faith,” which is confusing to explain (as the title might suggest) but taught by an excellent instructor. All of these courses, and my (almost daily) attendance at meeting for worship are deepening my faith in God. God feels present to me, less a special occasion visitor, and more like a frequent (and welcome) companion. Which is good, because I feel I’m being asked to stretch myself, and open myself, to possibilities I could not have previously imagined.<br /><br />More prosaically, I’m continuing my role as a Pendle Hill hospitality queen (working at the welcome desk), which still involves a start-time of 6:30 a.m. a couple of days a week. The community ethic of shared work, viewing service as a holy act, and the environmental philosophy (most of the “waste” at Pendle Hill goes to recycling, composting, or the chickens) both enable Pendle Hill to function and provides a deeply grounding community experience – kind of a sweat-based spirituality. One of my favorite jobs is hauling and spreading woodchips (donated by a local lumber company) on the walking trail; having walked on the path many times, I know how much enjoyment is existence and tidy upkeep gives residents and visitors alike (I know this is sooo geeky, but it’s true.)<br /><br />After this initial update to y’all, I plan to start updating my blog “Bipolar Girl Rules the World on a regular basis. (Speaking of which, Bipolar Girl the documentary is still in the works!) And I’ve messed around with a <a href="http://web.mac.com/dkdreyer/">website</a> to share of my photography and other creative pursuits – you can find my artist statement for “The Belly Project” <a href="http://web.mac.com/dkdreyer/iWeb/Site/the%20belly%20project%3A%20artist%20stament.html">here</a>.<br /><br />It’s also been wonderful to have a chance to reflect on the richness of my home community. I miss being around friends and family – and my dog Kacey, who is being cared for expertly by my sainted parents.<br /><br />To sum up, I’m wildly grateful. It’s amazing when I contemplate what might happen during the remainder of my time here at Pendle Hill. <br /><br />Thank you for being part of my journey!<br /><br />Blessings,<br />DawnDawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-7431533111163150102007-10-08T11:51:00.000-04:002007-10-08T12:04:05.312-04:00Even the fat parts?The other day in meeting, someone quoted a t-shirt -- "God loves everybody -- no exceptions." Which is a really good concept to keep in mind...lest we fall prey to the seductive belief that "God hates all the same people we do" (to paraphrase Anne Lamott). The person speaking went a few steps further, saying that not only is God in everyone, no exceptions, but that all parts of each of us is God. Not that we <em>are</em> God, but that all of us <em>is</em> God. (I'm not sure this is making sense, but I'll keep going.)<br /><br />So today I was sitting on my bench (not technically mine, but I like it a lot) and considering this idea -- that all of me is God -- when the thought popped into my head -- "wow, even the fat parts?"<br /><br />And then I started laughing out loud -- by myself, on my bench -- well, because I thought it was funny. And then, I heard/thought:<br /><br />"Yes, even the fat parts."<br /><br />And then I laughed and also got choked up, and I felt good.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-55103369118922100212007-10-07T11:49:00.000-04:002007-10-07T12:20:48.656-04:00my first pinch pot<span style="font-style: italic;">pinch pot: roll clay in ball. stick in thumb. pinch sides between thumb and fingers. make pot.</span><br /><br />That's the basic idea, anyway. And the assignment this week for my clay class: make seven pinch pots. Show up in the art studio every day. <span style="font-style: italic;">Show up.<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">SHOW UP!<br /><br /></span>Those are my italics, my bold, my all-caps.<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span></span>Just, you know, working on some issues around the whole showing up thing...<br /><br />So I'm sitting on the porch behind the art studio, gorgeous day, with my ball of clay. And I know you are going to be completely shocked by this, but the first pinch pot I made <span style="font-style: italic;">wasn't very good</span>.*<br /><br />Anyway, I got all icky and judgmental about it.<br /><br />It was good though -- to be able to observe how icky and judgmental I felt. I mean, I've never made a pinch pot before, not that I remember. So legally, technically, it is unreasonable to expect that I'll make a fabulous pinch pot. There have been people making pinch pots for decades -- or even, say, for a week or so -- who might wonder why I think my pinch pot should be so fabulous after only making, um, one.<br /><br />Anyway, it was good to watch those feelings come up, good to say, "oh, hello, you" and then good to go an lay in a hammock with a small ball of clay and stick pieces of it on my thumb and pinch a few more pots. It was helpful, because when I sit down to do something it's reasonable to expect I'm pretty good at (say, writing), those same feelings come up. Nice to know how unspecific these ugly thoughts are -- how context is almost nothing to the scared kiddo who wants to make art and yet doesn't want to make art, unless she can be certain ahead of time that it will be um, perfect.<br /><br />Maybe not perfect, but at least pretty good. At least not horribly embarrassing.<br /><br />And before, when I said I'm "pretty good at (say, writing)," I hope you don't think, I was, you know, bragging.<br />______<br />*I actually am not qualified to say what is and is not a good pinch pot. I may be a pinch pot prodigy. I'll let you know.<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span>Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30800925.post-11198903199701837972007-10-07T11:23:00.000-04:002007-10-07T11:49:39.731-04:00more thoughts on workI like the dishwashing job at Pendle Hill -- there is a good rhythm to it, if you're working with the right person, and you don't have to be too perfect. One person stacks the plates and cups on racks, rinses them with a spray-thingy, and then sends the racks through the washing/sanitizing machine. The second person stands on the other side of the machine and unloads the racks of plates and bowls, and puts away the cups, silverware, etc. The second person also provides quality control -- there are certain seeds and grains, for example, that are fairly persistent in clinging to cereal bowls. (When you work dishes, you start seeing certain sticky foodstuffs -- like oatmeal, for example -- in a whole new way.)<br /><br />On this particular day, I was working with the right person -- L., who I have experienced in the past as a very helpful and nonjudgmental individual. I was unloading the dishes, and was having trouble fitting all the bowls into the proper sorting area -- there were t00 many to fit. So I just placed some bowls on top of the bread plates, and continued onward.<br /><br />When I went to roll the dish cart into its place at the head of the buffet line, I realized that there was another slot for bowls. So I moved the bowls to the right place.<br /><br />Writing this down, it is such a non-story. But I had this huge moment, because I was so glad that L. had just let me figure out where the bowls should go. Now, he might just not have noticed that I had the bowls in the wrong place. He might have noticed, and decided it wasn't a big deal if the bowls were in the wrong place. He might have noticed, and figured that I'd figure it out.<br /><br />What I noticed is just how relieved I felt that I'd been allowed to find out where the rest of the bowls went. It felt great. There you go, that's where they fit. Look at that. Great. I'll do it!<br /><br />It's not like if he had said, Dawn, there's more room for bowls on the other side, there, I would have minded. And again, this seems like such a non-story that I feel like I might start over explaining. So I'll stop. Tell me if it makes sense to you.Dawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02771847888812737411noreply@blogger.com2