Sunday, July 09, 2006

bipolar girl rules the world

Someday I'll make a documentary with this title, but until then, it's my blog. And though I am indeed a bipolar girl (bipolar-2, heavier on the depression, with a fortifying dose of hypomania), I am also deeply grateful for the powerful cocktail of (in no particular order) pharmaceuticals, family and friends, religion, and professional support (aka a really good therapist and a top-knotch psychiatrist) that keep me mostly healthy.

I don't just see myself as bipolar. I contain multitudes. And even bipolar doesn't quite get it right as a description of my experience. I don't experience hypomania and depression as distinct states -- it can feel quite muddled. And I'm quite invested in this idea of muddled -- and don't have much patience with binary oppositions -- so the name of my blog addresses that concept too, in a round about way. Red State/Blue State, Straight/Gay, Male/Female, Black/White, Christian/Everything Else -- none of these differences makes sense to me as absolutes. I have passionate beliefs, but I feel just as passionately about listening to people. I get mad, of course, when confronted with hate and close-mindedness, but, well, I know I'm capable of the same darn thing.

"Bipolar Girl Rules the World," is also, well, a joke on myself in a number of ways. Lord help me, I don't want to rule the world. I'm working very hard to let go of the illusion of control. I believe that we take small steps forward, seek out our calling, but we can't know where we'll end up. I pray, ask God for guidance, but hello, surprise, tah-dah, oh heck -- I don't know what is going to happen. I say this so simply, but trust me, this process of letting go is excruciating.

I have a friend and religious mentor, Pastor Pam, and I've watched her place her life in God's hands for many years now. Her journey inspires me and frightens me a little too. She is fierce in her faith, and very human, and today she preached her first sermon in her own church in a small town in rural NC. So a shout out to Pastor Pam, and lots of prayers for her and her parishioners.

In Pastor Pam's honor, here's to the fear, and the promised freedom, of letting go.

5 comments:

Jerry said...

Can't go wrong with a little "Song of Myself" action. I think most of us contain multitudes; we either just don't admit it, or the multitudes within us are so similar, they really only seem like a few.

alexa said...

Dawn, who rules the world,

Yes, to Jerry and Multitudinousness. I salute you letting go--

A

Paul said...

I've always thought of you as tri-polar. You'll try any of the poles, sanity be damned!

Susan said...

I love Whitman. Thanks for the link!
As for the "Rule the World" part- I cherish the memory of one day, shortly after my Dad and I were both diagnosed with ADD (I got the extra bonus prize of dyslexia tossed in with it), my Dad chortling over some new example of his daughter's determinedness noting, "Honey, there was a REASON the good Lord gave you ADD- it was to keep you from taking over the world!".
So, hey, it might just be that you got handed Bipolar for the same reason! Here's to us- (psst! Once we get these things kicked, I'll take the Western States and you get the Eastern Seaboard--we'll share Key West--okay?)

Susan said...

I love Whitman. Thanks for the link!
As for the "Rule the World" part- I cherish the memory of one day, shortly after my Dad and I were both diagnosed with ADD (I got the extra bonus prize of dyslexia tossed in with it), my Dad chortling over some new example of his daughter's determinedness noting, "Honey, there was a REASON the good Lord gave you ADD- it was to keep you from taking over the world!".
So, hey, it might just be that you got handed Bipolar for the same reason! Here's to us- (psst! Once we get these things kicked, I'll take the Western States and you get the Eastern Seaboard--we'll share Key West--okay?)