work

Working with a team weeding the asparagus patch yesterday (an asparagus patch! how amazing!) I once again became aware of how important it is to me that the people around me think I'm doing a good job. Not just a good job, but that I am trying my hardest and not acting lazy.

The shame, or more correctly, the fear of shame and judgment, made the first bit of the weeding quite unpleasant, even though the actual weeding was fun, because the grasses were huge and easy to tear out of the ground, and the company was good. I was able to observe my misery, and to notice that I wasn't judging anyone else's performance (being far to busy judging myself). And I thought, well, if I did come out of my self-involved weedy haze long enough to observe how anyone was working, or not working, would I really be inclined to judge? Probably not.

So I did, then, try to just weed and be in the moment with the weeding. And though it was hot and humid, it was a satisfying experience -- both the doing of the work, and seeing a whole piece of ground cleared.

To do a good job is not a bad goal to have, but I think I have to let it go for now. I don't see how it helps my experience here, quite frankly. Perhaps I will try to trust that my best effort in a given moment is enough, and that enough best efforts will sum up a decent life.

I have to acknowledge that I don't know what the edge of good enough feels like. I do know that a fear of not being good enough no longer serves me.