Tuesday, August 29, 2006


I'm painfully, ruthlessly, stuck.

The hubhub of the summer is over (the summer is over? how did that happen?) and I happily anticipated shifting into a regular schedule and approaching life in a measured way, with my goals of moving towards wellness (including sleep, healthy eating, exercise), nurturing relationships, and making time for creative acts at the top of my list of things to do. Also, I looked forward to creating a clean, orderly environment, with a clean house and organized home and work offices.

Who was I kidding?

Unless I suddenly and completely transformed overnight into some completely different person, achieving the above objectives were extremely unlikely.

That last sentence was NOT self deprecating. Actually, as I wrote it, I felt a resounding sense of TRUTH. The goals I set for myself, hoping to build on the "back to school" impetus, were unrealistic. Not ultimately unrealistic -- they are certainly good goals to have, but the changes are not going to happen overnight.

Well, that's depressing, but also a relief.

I've been hiding the last few days, filled with paralyzing anxiety, unwilling to face the world.

I guess the painful, semi-hopeful, mortifyingly slow process of change is preferable to existing in a hallucination where it is indeed possible to transform overnight. Especially when the hallucination isn’t an innocent one – it’s poison, I tell you, poison.


KansasSunflower said...

I just read a few of your posts, and I like them a lot!

I've lost about 45 pounds in the last year and a half. Why am I telling you this? Because...I always set this great goal each month for myself, what I'm going to lose, but I don't let myself weigh until the end of the month. So...maybe I only lose 2 pounds. That's much less than the 5 I WANTED to lose.

But the BEST part of it is...the month is OVER. I now have a brand new month to try again! A clean slate. AND I lost 2 pounds on top of that! So...I never get discouraged.

Maybe you could think of all of your changes in small increments like that, and always having a clean slate at some point of time?

I don't know, it seems to work for me if I have a new beginning coming up and celebrating the small successes along the way instead of always having a deadline to complete everything...

Anonymous said...

Here's a suggested order of importance:
Must haves:
nurturing relationships
creative acts
Optional Extras:
healthy eating
Only if you are really bored and have completed all the above:
clean & organized
Just one person's opinion though.

Anonymous said...

Just talked to you re oma's gift. good idea!
Another great piece. It's poison I say, poison.
liked that a lot. and true.
hope i can figure out how to get this to you...