recent obsessions

amy winehouse
I can't stop listening to this album. And watching her videos online. she's amazing.

charlaine harris
She's a mystery writer, and I've never really been a mystery reader before. I got way hooked on her "Southern Vampire" series, starring Sookie Stackhouse, the telepathic waitress (my Mom did too). Now I just finished another series of hers -- the Lily Bard "Shakespeare" books. Strong, complex, southern heroines. Funny and well-written.

the upcoming release of The Golden Compass
the movie. 12.07.07. One of my favorite books is becoming a film. Please read the book, if you haven't already, or listen to the AMAZING audio recording. And Daniel Craig, of 007 fame, is playing Lord Asriel. Enough said.

the upcoming release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
I'm torn. Do I read it quickly and find out who dies? But then, this is the LAST one, so I should read it slowly, right? And what if JK kills....Harry? Can't do, can't be. How could I read this book to my hypothetical children and get them all invested in Harry Potter if he's going to die? Unbearably, I have a board meeting at 9 a.m. on the Saturday (12:01 a.m.) it's released.

tomatoes and blueberries
It's that time of the summer. tomato, basil, fresh mozzarella. bliss. And though the blueberry harvest was hit hard by the spring freeze, both the picking and the eating (with homemade shortcake) was still perfect.

summer movies
Live Free or Die Hard.
Bruce Willis, as you might have heard, brings down a helicopter with a van. It was totally awesome.

back to black

it's just been that kind of day.

or pieces of several days broken up by ok moments.

i'm in a kind of numbed out daze and i'm not exactly wild with coping mechanisms at the moment.

i have work to do that i'm not doing. i have something to turn in tomorrow that i have GOT to review before mid-morning. it's now 11:07 P.M. and if my summer house-mate hadn't let out my dog, I'd also be a terrible dog owner.

i am almost three-weeks overdue on an email i promised to send.

i have laundry to put away (this is not tragic. it's just that i could be creating some sanity in my physical environment if i hadn't been doing all kinds of ridiculous distracting stuff for the last few hours).

my head just won't stop with the mean self-judgmental crap.

well, it does sometimes stop.

well, it just hasn't stopped for several hours.

ok. this is funny. writing this post has somehow broken some kind of spell. i hope the break lasts long enough for me to pack up my computer and go home. if i can at least get to sleep at a reasonable hour then tomorrow doesn't have to totally suck.

i'm lonely, i think. well, last time i checked, that wasn't a crime. it doesn't make me weird that i'd like someone to love and to love me back. not too weird to want a family of my own.

mostly, i do ok with this wanting. mostly i cope with this particular kind of lonely. i'm grateful for lots of good things.

well, tomorrow is another darn day.

partcipating in the wave

Many Sunday nights still evoke that "haven't finished all my homework," feeling, and I was filled with a pretty good amount of anxiety last night. I was with my family (my brother was home from California!), trying to relax while watching television and sewing a book. (I was already weepy for various reasons -- none of them particularly relevant -- so I decided to go upstairs and have a good cry.

So I'm upstairs, splayed out on the floor, somewhere between a weep and a sob, and I'm thinking, ok, when I leave my folk's house, there's got to be some way I can numb out. Of course, on a Sunday night at 9:30 p.m., there's only one place to go for the "wander around and look at things to buy" drug: Wal-Mart (dun-dun-da-da). So then I think/say, with no small amount of desperation: "Don't make me go to Wal-Mart!" and then, out of me came something between a sob and a laugh. And then more laughing.

Part of this whole Dialectical Behavior Therapy thing is the idea that emotions are waves -- that you can experience them, but at the same time, step back a little and say, ok, whatever I'm feeling will crest and subside. And that's what happened. And what I'm noticing today is that I am feeling so much better. I was able to get out of bed, and get going, and turn in the work assignment that was days late without too much drama.

What I'm seeing is the quantatative effectiveness of DBT. The time taken last evening to have a good cry, to endure the wave, and make myself laugh, is having a multiple effect today. Very time effective.

Part two of all the angst this weekend is that I'm noticing the exhausting effects of my endless busyness. I fell asleep at 4:30 p.m. on Saturday, and didn't wake up until the next morning. I'm guessing I'm not more busy, but my craving for quiet and presence is growing stronger, and I'm more aware of the distance between my chronic business and what I'm striving towards. (Can one strive towards less busy?)

The drawing is my interpretive attempt at conveying both the waves and my sprawled body on the floor of my parents guest room.

l,
d

When Things Fall Apart

"Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth."
-- When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron

This quote (and book) has been a help to me this week.

Also:

COMPASSION IS REVOLUTION

Enjoy.
d

it's official...

my application was received by Women Make Movies.

NOT accepted, but received.

I got the application in just under the wire (which I'm sure is just SHOCKING for those of you who know me), so I wasn't going to make any assumptions until I got the confirmation email:

Dear Applicant—

We have received your application for Fiscal Sponsorship with Women Make Movies.

Due to staff and Review Committee participation in upcoming film festivals, our notification date has been pushed back by a couple of days: We will be sending notification letters via email by June 22. You will be notified either way by that date, via this email address you have provided us. Thank you in advance for your patience!

Thank you for your interest in Women Make Movies’ Production Assistance Program. We look forward to reviewing your proposal.

Best Regards,
Production Assistance Program Staff

So -- when I know, you'll know!

But honestly -- and I'm 95% sure I mean this...

I hope WMM grants me fiscal sponsorship. I do. BUT I will say that getting the proposal done and turned in was a big deal. Bipolar Girl, no longer just an idea, but words and ink on paper! MOST importantly, I stayed pretty calm throughout, got a decent amount of sleep, and didn't crash after. Did I mention I didn't crash after?

I have told dozens of people, "go ahead and apply, and if you don't get approved, they'll tell you what to fix and you can resubmit." I think I believe it. So, that's what I'll do.

And finally, thanks Mom&Dad. We did it!

having one's atoms rearranged is not always a pleasant thing

I've mentioned Dialectical Behavioral Therapy in previous posts; the once-weekly two hour group sessions and then an individual therapy session are making a huge difference in my life -- I can see the positive changes. It's all very solid and skills based -- practical skills to help sensitive people transform into sturdy sensitive people. I've held for many years that insights -- even brilliant, life-changing ones -- are only so helpful without a plan of action.

My last big moment o'truth came when my therapist and I were talking about how hard it is for me to hang on to positive emotions -- I finish something I'm proud of, or have a good day -- and then I come home and want to avoid how I'm feeling by eating something yucky or wandering around to WalMart (only if it's late and nothing else is open -- still, it feels gross).

So N (that's my therapist) gently suggests that one of the reasons I might be afraid of holding on to positive feelings is because in the past, I had trouble distinguishing between positive feelings and mania.

It was a huge moment. YES. This weird avoidance thing (I mean, why would anyone want to avoid feeling good) wasn't just about self-esteem, or the manic cycles that occur when I work my heart out getting something done (and don't get enough sleep) and then crash into a deep depression (boy, howdy, that's a lot of fun).

But the REALLY AMAZING part of the revelation was that I knew that I am learning the observational skills to discern:

oh, this is what happy feels like.
or,
oh, this is what mania feel like.

I can check in with my body -- happiness feels very flowy, and even excitement feels like it's coming inside and flowing outward. I feel very certain when I'm happy. I feel grateful.

Mania feels like it's coming at me -- and I breathe funny.

So I've got these mad skills to put my brilliant moments of self-reflection (and the trusted observations of those around me) to work.

I'm learning, slowly, to bear all kinds of emotions. I remember the first time I watched "sad" get born, then crest and fall. And I survived without distracting myself with some kind of not-so-helpful behavior.

Some people may be born with the ability to exist with their emotions quite naturally. I spent years fighting them, and with good reason -- sometimes, they were way scary, and out of control.

I'd like to say I'm gracefully accepting these good, positive changes in my life, but I am sometimes scared. Between Tuesday's therapy and Wednesday's group session, I'm a often a wreck by Wednesday night. And then there is this _life_ that I'm supposed to lead. Your life is the laboratory, N said to me last night, as I sat clutching my cell phone, weeping in my car in the WalMart parking lot (that's a whole 'nother story).

Basically, I feel these shifts happening at the atomic level in my being, but feel like I have to keep the outside looking pretty much the same -- all right folks, keep moving, nothing is going on over here!

Sometimes I just get tired.

Sometimes even the good changes are exhausting.

In this moment, however, I feel hopeful.

Bipolar Girl Rules the World and Other Stories

There is SO much I want to say, in returning to this blog.

But the most important thing...on Sunday, July 9, 2006, I wrote that "someday, I would make a documentary film with the name "Bipolar Girl Rules the World," but until then, it's my blog." Well, on May 15 I turned in my proposal to Women Make Movies, a fiscal sponsorship organization in New York, NY. So if they say "yes," I'm officially open for business (meaning, I can raise money for the film).

Anyways, I did it!

The goal is to have the film done by around this time in 2009.

Ok, so one step at a time. Right. One step at a time.

For now, enjoy a rough sketch of Bipolar Girl! Notice her levitating pink cowgirl boots! And look for more updates soon!

these are the cute shoes

The last shoe photo on my blog garnered many positive comments, so I can only imagine many of you are wondering, "what are those cute shoes Dawn referred to in her last post?"

Well, let me show and tell. My new favorite shoe brand is Seychelles. I've almost worn out my pointy toed red flats I bought this summer; here are my new khaki green wedgies.

progress?

Did you know...

"In 1986, EPILADY launched the first electric hair remover, pioneering the most significant revolution ever in the market of hair removal."

This is relevant, why?

Because as a sophomore in college, I remember ranting at Edwin, my boyfriend's roommate, because he had an ad for EPILADY hanging on his side of the dorm room: "You realize that picture on your wall is an ad that promotes the idea that women should tear their hair out at the roots! Can you imagine what that would feel like? Can you imaging doing that to yourself?"

I suspect he was interested in the blond-in-a-bathing suit in the ad, and not the actual hair removal product.

This was Dawn, feminist, circa 1989.

Dawn, feminist, circa 2007, believes that women who choose to wear uncomfortable shoes that make their legs look great are not mindless victims of the patriarchy (though she might save those shoes for special occasions without much walking involved, and is in fact, at this minute, wearing wedge heels that are both adorable and comfortable). She also believes that the way one chooses to dress can be an act of self and artistic expression, while also acknowledging that our cultural definitions of beauty are often unfortunately limited.

The main thing I want to say here is that last night, Dawn, feminist, circa 2007, ripped out (at the roots) her own stray eyebrow hairs with an at home waxing kit. This eyebrow experience was very painful, but I will probably do it again because in the few times I've had this done at a salon, they always take off more than I want. So imagine, it's kind of like pulling off a band-aid, but more painful. I was not capable of doing it quickly; maybe next time, I'll work up more courage.

So I acknowledge I may have been brainwashed as far as eyebrows are concerned. On the various makeover shows I deeply enjoy (I believe in the power of personal transformation -- though I DO NOT watch shows that involve plastic surgery), it's clear that the shape of one's eyebrows makes a big difference in one's appearance -- and this is true for both men and women.

The "Eyebrow King," Damone Roberts, believes "every person is beautiful in his or her own way, but does note that 90 percent of all women have the wrong brows for their facial structure. Damone says, 'It's the most underestimated important feature on the face.'"

I encourage you to read Damone's bio here. He really is called the "Eyebrow King," and "his work has been recognized in Vogue, In Style, USA Today, US Weekly, The Wall Street Journal, Cosmopolitan, Essence, Good Housekeeping, Allure, Newsweek and countless others."

The Wall Street Journal?

One last thought...though a 10X magnification mirror can be helpful when grooming, always remember that objects are in fact 10 TIMES LARGER than they appear. Check in with your regular old vanity mirror before taking any drastic measures.